This girl is more easily done than said...
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
