I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
