bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize