He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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