why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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