3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
