u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
