my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
