So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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