I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
