direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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