im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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