oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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