You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
