Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
P.S. I can't hear my feet
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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