Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
