waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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