Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
