my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
