woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
