He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
