Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
