so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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