Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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