I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
