No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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