if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
