my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
