all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
