I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Randomize
