woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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