Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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