Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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