A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
