ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
