I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just high enough for therapy.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
i've created a new STD.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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