Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
