I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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