The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
