I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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