My sheets look like a crime scene.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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