I hate your face
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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