You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
