If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
