i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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