Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize