I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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