i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
