Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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