also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Im part way to drunk.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
