I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
