cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize