I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
