I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
