Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
