i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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