Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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